I don’t have it all together – not even close.
And lately life has felt so overwhelming.
I love my husband and adore our baby boy, but I’ve been running on fumes.
For awhile things were going so well. Yes, I was tired from a general lack of sleep, but aren’t all mothers? Isn’t it just something we deal with because we’re so driven by an intense love for our child? But what about when we run out of steam? Does it mean we don’t love enough? Don’t care enough?
Does it mean I’m a bad mom?
I’m almost to the end of my rope.
You see, I’m just plain exhausted. Cohen hasn’t been sleeping well for the last few weeks and six hours or less of broken sleep just isn’t cutting it anymore. I feel helpless. I daydream about the days when I could sleep for 8 hours or more, uninterrupted.
I get angry and feel like it just isn’t fair.
But I never voice these feelings because even saying it makes me feel like I’ve failed.
Today I cried in the car.
I was driving to Dairy Queen to pick up an ice cream cake for my dads birthday. I’d left my house with the baby screaming and my husband telling me to go take a little break. As I drove the song “One Thing Remains” by Jesus Culture was playing and the words burst the dam of emotion that’s been slowly building in me over the past 6 1/2 months.
I get choked up now just writing the words.
In that moment, as I drove with tears streaming from my tired eyes, the truth of God’s love broke through. The relevance of His example of a loving parent came and met me exactly where I was at.
It comforted me.
It humbled me.
Even when my love fails, HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS.
Even when I give up, HE NEVER GIVES UP ON ME.
Even when my love, and energy, and patience runs out, HIS NEVER RUNS OUT ON ME.
No, I don’t always have what it takes, but I have the one who does.
Oh God, you are my source. When the needs and demands on me seem to go on and on and on, your love satisfies my weary soul. Thank you for your unfailing, unending, unchanging love.
“Help me, LORD my God; save me according to your unfailing love.” (Psalm 109:26)
“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.” (Psalm 143:8)